I Can’t Explain

I really can’t, honestly. What I feel I could never put into words properly. And now that I’m going to try, I beg you, don’t hate me for butchering it.

When I was preparing myself to leave Prince Edward Island for good, I was obsessed with the thought that I would leave so much and so many people behind. That home was the only place I knew in my memorable past. Sure there are some random events I remember from before I moved to the Island, but at less than 5 years of age, most of the occurrences were insignificant in my mind. So to think that I would leave what was essentially everything I had (aside from parents of course) was truly saddening.

In my last month or so on PEI, I decided I needed a digital camera of my own with which I could take as many pictures of my life as I could before I actually could not. I didn’t have many pictures because I had never felt the need before then. I saw my friends almost everyday then. We really do take things for granted don’t we? In any case, I’m really glad I did take those pictures. Now, every time I look at them, I feel as though a dull blade were thrust into me. At the same time however, I feel so much more complete and content. I all of a sudden feel as though I’m back there again. Even small things I’m now so fond of. I have a picture of my old neighborhood and I remember walking down that road with my heavy ass kitbag full of books or when I used to deliver newspapers there. One picture I’m particularly fond of is the one of the jazz combo. I’ve got in a frame and sitting on my desk. It brings back so many good, and sometimes not so good, memories of playing back on the Row. Maybe when we meet up again in the future, we’ll crack out the instruments and play together again. That would truly be something special to me.

Those pictures also show me something that I find takes me by surprise. I miss my friends and people I was close to greatly, but I also miss the people I never really got to know. Just looking at the pictures of the parties and gatherings, I realize that it’s also the atmosphere, the surroundings that also made me into what I am. Things that I didn’t notice at the time I’ve now started noticing through my numerous visits to my digital photo album. It couldn’t have been complete without everything. Yes, that sounds illogical how I put it. Of course something’s not complete without all the parts, but you know what I mean. The occurrences wouldn’t be what they were without the things I didn’t notice. Just because I didn’t notice initially doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

Now onto something that’s sort of weird and must say something for my thoughts that still rest on PEI. I’ve been having an unparallel number of dreams recently. I can almost guarantee I’ll have a dream about something or someone I’ve seen in the pictures I’ve looked at that day. One especially vivid dream that I had probably 2 weeks ago still remains with me. I was coming home (to my old house) after band rehearsal with someone I wouldn’t say is a friend. More of an acquaintance than anything else. I had never gotten to know this person so it was somewhat weird to have a dream with them having such a large role in it. More than likely this was because I had looked at a picture that day with this person in it.

Anyways, this person was driving me home. However the problem was, no matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t get to my house. We tried various routes but all of them were blocked by one obstacle or another. I still remembering telling the person to turn from North River to Beach Grove but they said they knew a better way. That other way happened to be under construction. We continued on where we can to an alley. We tried climbing over the wall and when that didn’t work, we tried crawling in some sort of tunnel. However we were driven out by what I could only describe as evil batmen? I woke up never having reached my home. I don’t like reading into dreams too much, but you?d think that was trying to say something huh? The connotations were so clear; I want to go back, but I can’t.

If you’ve gotten this far, you may realize how much I’ve slaved and labored over this post. I’ve looked at it over and over wondering if I should even bother or if I should just close the window without saving it. But I think it’s best that I show my gratitude to those who have been around me. I just want you to know how important you are to me, no matter if you played a huge part or one that I didn’t notice at the time but now do. If there’s one thing I regret, it would be that I didn’t get to say goodbye to so many people I would’ve liked to. And now it’s too late.


6 Replies to “I Can’t Explain”

  1. I can’t believe that you’re not continuing on into writting in University. You’re a really great writer.

    I can relate to this post of feeling parts of me left behind in Charlottetown, although living in Halifax is pale in comparison to Ontario.

    I wish you well, and I’ll keep lurking (but in a good way). Just don’t be such a SCHMONGOLIA

    Take care of yourself Charlie.

  2. I sure did move to this city. Well actually it’s Lower Sackville but it’s considered part of the HRM (Halifax Regional Municipality). I’m going to Kings for my BA, I’m looking forward to it for sure.

    I caved in and got a blog because it’s less constricting then LJ and there’s a lot of unwanted lurkers so I tend to censor my entries.

    I’m wide awake its almost 1 am, Summer induced insomina…yay.

    Where are you attending in the fall?

  3. Haha, I’m telling ya, blogger’s the way to go. 😉

    I often forget that you guys are still an hour ahead of me in Ontario. When I’m talking to people at like 12:30-1AM, I rarely think that’s it’s even later for them!

    I’m going to be attending the University of Waterloo this fall. It’s only about an hour and a half’s drive away from my house so I’ll be able to come home on weekends and whatnot should I choose to. Doing a major in engineering (computer) there.

  4. Hey Charlie!
    I very much enjoyed that entry. I’m so glad you have some pictures that give you happy memories. I think the fact that you aren’t here is starting to become more of a reality. Things just aren’t the same, but like you, I’m relying on pictures to lighten the reality check.
    Love, Kailea

  5. Charlie,

    How have things fared for you since your departure? I’m sure many things have!

    I have to say that I experienced some of the things you talk about in this post…I move quite a bit now, and I never used to take pics because either I was too lazy, or I didn’t bring my camera.

    And you can’t imagine how may lost opportunities there are out there that are only part of my ever fading memory.

    It’s great that you were able capture some of it, and revisit it in your digial photo album 🙂

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