We had a really nice dinner tonight, lots of food I really like. Anyways, I had a few more beers than I usually would and that got me into a thinking mood. We talked about quite a range of topics. A few of them are definitely worthy of me putting down on this blog.
First thought. I’m one of like 6 billion people on this Earth. Sure your parents have always thought you of as something special, I know my parents still do. But out of those 6 billion people, what says I’m going to do anything out of the ordinary. I think I have this idea I’m going to do something out of the ordinary, but what really gives me that idea? What says I can? What makes me different from the rest of the people on this Earth? How am I really so special? You see I have this dream of leading a research and development team in semiconductors. Now sure it’s not the I’m going to rule the world dream, which is practically inconceivable, but this is pretty ambitious as well. A lot of people are intelligent and knowledgable. A lot of people have gone through engineering programs and have ended up as regular Joe Blows out there. What am I or going to do differently that will allow me to achieve my dream? What if I do end up as an average guy? Will I regret all that I’ve done through my life? Will I trudge through my monotonous job and wonder why I even exist?
Then my train of thought went back to when I was quite a bit younger. Some people can say they remember events from when they were very young, and I mean only like 3 or 4 years old. Sure I think I have memories of when I was that young, but in all honesty, I think those aren’t really memories, but more images that have been put into my mind by people talking about what I’ve done in the past. I don’t think I actually remember anything that heppened before I was 5 years old. I think I have glimpses of when I was around 5 or 6 because I don’t remember ever telling anyone about those events so I can only imagine that they’re my actual memories instead of some image fabricated by my mind. I know an extraordinary man who is getting to be quite old now. He’s something of a godfather to me if those exist for non-religious people. Anyways, he made a point of remembering things of when he was very young. So now even at his current age, he still can recall things that happened a long time ago. I’m only 17 and I can’t even remember things from ages he can. I truly wish I had made that conscious decision earlier, but I am now.
But this is a memory I do remember quite vividly. I used to bike a great deal when I was younger. I biked with a friend up the road, specifically Andrew. We ploughed through the trails in the woods and it was common for me to scrape my knees and arms on branches and trees jutting all over the place. I remember meeting a person for the first time who also lived up the road, but further. There was like a divide in that road. I knew the people from the bottom half pretty well. He was from the undiscovered upper half. He had a bigger bike than the rest of us even though he was our age. I sort of envied yet at the same time was threatened by him. He went by the name Ryan.
Funny thing is, I met this person again in high school and we became good friends. He still lived in the same area, but like me, he had lost the biking enthusiasm. He also remembered me from when were young. He wasn’t intimidating anymore. He wass in fact a lot like me. We were even going to go to the same university. That didn’t end up happening but we’ll keep in touch and we’ll meet again sometime soon.
The last thing we discussed was the matter of bad memories. My mom came up with the idea that we should be able to wipe away bad memories. But would you really want that? Those bad memories and trying times are the things that define who I am. Without the struggle and final success or failure, I wouldn’t have improved my person and many of those experiences are some of the most important in my life. If we could erase all the things we don’t find the most appealing in our lives, what would our lives be? I would forget a great many people who have made a difference in my life even if those contacts don’t make of the best memories. Or perhaps a tragic moment in time left me feeling totally crushed and dead inside. But without those things that make us human, we would be monotonous boring people. I could meet one of you and said that I met all of you. You would all be the same. I can think back to events that could seriously make me cry on the spot. Sure they were far from enjoyable times, but would I ever want to forget them? No, definitely not. They’ve pushed me to places I haven’t been and tried my character. I haven’t yet broken and they made me stronger. I will always remember the worst times in my life just as I remember the best times.
This post has been the result of too much alcohol in my system but sometimes I do honestly think better and deeper when it happens. It’s awfully depressing when I think about it, but I wouldn’t trade myself for anything in the world.